Today is my twenty-fifth birthday. As a present from myself, I went to Platinum Tattoos here in San Antonio (their 410 @ Evers location, for the curious) and got my first tattoo.
And this is my new tattoo:
Okay, I promise it’s not nearly as cheesy as it seems on first glance.
Most of you won’t know this, but I’ve been suffering from clinical depression for some time now – years, in fact. I was never suicidal, but I never could quite seem to grasp how good I had it. Intellectually, I could say “oh, I’ve got a job, I’ve got friends, I’ve got hobbies I enjoy, life should be good.” But I didn’t feel it. Additionally, I tended towards inertia and apathy that is otherwise uncharacteristic for me – I’d have to convince myself to go out with my friends even though I would always have fun and enjoy myself once I was out. I have been in something of a holding pattern professionally since graduating from university and despite not being particularly content with it, I could never seem to drum up the energy to do something to change it – or even the courage to risk failure in the attempt.
Depression isn’t something you can just shake off. It’s chemicals in your brain not performing how they’re supposed to perform. My faith was instrumental in keeping me from crossing the line into suicidal, but anyone who thinks Christians/Catholics shouldn’t be or can’t be depressed is wrong, I assure you. Still, there’s a stigma associated with depression that kept me from seeking help.
Then my favorite band, Switchfoot, became involved with an organization called To Write Love on Her Arms. TWLOHA’s mission is to raise awareness of depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide and to provide a resource for those in need of help. Whilst they don’t offer professional help themselves, they have a comprehensive list of links and numbers to call and, more importantly, work to fight the stigma and encourage those in need to seek help without shame. It was a combination of my own desire to not be depressed anymore and the encouragement provided by TWLOHA that finally had me talking to my doctor about getting on anti-depressants.
We found the right one for me a couple weeks ago, and it’s been like a miracle. Am I happy with everything about my life? No, of course not. But I have a generalised sense of well-being that I lacked before which gives me a base to stand on whilst going about the business of changing that which dissatisfies me about my life.
This was the first birthday in recent memory that I spent entirely happy, feeling entirely good about myself and my day.
So, since To Write Love on Her Arms played an instrumental role in my getting on the road to recovery, that’s exactly what I did.
I wrote love on my arm, in one of my favorite fonts (Garamond Bold). So I’ll never forget to love myself ever again.
If you or someone you know are suffering from depression, addiction, or self-injury, please please do not be afraid to seek help. Do not feel ashamed to do so. There’s light out there for all of us, and we shouldn’t ever feel ashamed if we need help to see it. Check out To Write Love on Her Arms for more information or to share your story.
