Repost: "You *shall* love"

In my continuing efforts to become one of the nerdiest people on the planet, I recently purchased a copy of Søren Kierkegaard’s Works of Love from Barnes & Noble and have been reading it mostly during breaks at work and my solitary dinners at home when I manage to eat at the table instead of in front of my computer/television. I decided to attempt to tackle Kierkegaard because my favorite band, Switchfoot, has a song called “Sooner or Later (Søren’s Song),” which is inspired by Kierkegaard’s philosophy. You can see the lyrics here, just scroll down a little.

Anyway, the section I’ve been reading in the last couple days is called “You Shall Love” and starts with the whole “you shall love your neighbor as yourself” commandment and builds from there.  The point as I understand it, which admittedly on one reading is probably not complete (heh), is that in becoming a duty (you shall love), love becomes truly free from restraint and truly eternal.
He writes:

But the love which has undergone the transformation of the eternal by becoming duty and which loves because it shall love-this love is independent; it has the law of its existence in the relationship of love itself to the eternal. This love can never become dependent in a false sense, for the only thing it is dependent upon is duty, and duty alone makes for genuine freedom.
[...]
In this way the “You shall” makes love free in blessed independence; such a love stands and does not fall with variations in the object of love; it stands and falls with eternity’s law, but therefore it never falls. Such a love is not dependent on this or on that. It is dependent on the one thing-that alone which makes for freedom-and therefore it is eternally independent.

It’s an interesting way to look at love, and an illuminating one. In the same chapter Kierkegaard also talks about how love that doesn’t come from that place of duty is changeable and therefore not free – there is always the worry that it won’t last hanging overhead. He speaks specifically about romantic love, and how if the two people don’t love each other from that place of duty, they feel the need to test their love because they fear it won’t last – and indeed, if they don’t feel a duty to love each other, it won’t last.

It reminded me of something I heard often when I was younger. My parents were involved in the Catholic marriage preparation/marriage enrichment programs Engaged Encounter and Marriage Encounter. The programs involve weekend retreats for couples, and the main room where the large group sessions are held is always decorated with banners that carry slogans on them. One of the slogans that imprinted most strongly on me, even as a child, was “love is a decision.”

Love – real love – isn’t something that just happens. It’s something you work at, something to choose to do, because that’s what we’re supposed to do as children of God. Love each other as we love ourselves.
So, aside from a quick trip up to Dallas with my sister to see Switchfoot in concert (and meet them, which was awesome, because I got to thank them for their role in my battle with depression), this is basically the only blog-worthy thing I’ve been up to lately. Still, if I’m gonna have one of these things, I really ought to try to update more.

Repost: "Television is Srs Bzns"

Those of you who have known me for some time will probably not be surprised, but those of you who have only recently become acquainted with me… well, it’s time you knew the truth.

I am very serious about television.

I’m an active viewer – I’ll yell at the tv, get emotional with the slightest provocation, and rant and/or rave on the internet as appropriate. I’ll critique everything from the acting to the writing to the cinematography, and I’ll sound – if I do say so myself – pretty damn intelligent while doing so. Television is a hobby for me in the same way that building model airplanes is for my father, or that knitting is for my friend Jan.

It is, in short, Very Srs Bzns.  [Use of macro-speak intended to inject some degree of sarcasm. But not too much. Heh.]

As such, tonight I spent a few hours – yes, hours – surveying the major networks’ fall schedules. I decided which shows from last year I’m keeping, which I’m dropping. I selected a few shows I won’t actually watch religiously, but rather as a normal person might – when I catch them, when the synopsis looks particularly intriguing, etc. And I perused the new offerings and selected the ones I’d like to give a try this year.
And then I put it all together in an excel spreadsheet. Which is color-coded. With two worksheets – one for the schedule grid and one for a list of premiere dates.

Yes, I am that nerdy awesome.

If you’re curious, here’s my schedule: On Google Docs

Repost: "Inked"

Today is my twenty-fifth birthday. As a present from myself, I went to Platinum Tattoos here in San Antonio (their 410 @ Evers location, for the curious) and got my first tattoo.

I’ve been thinking about getting one for some time, though I honestly thought I’d be getting a different one first. I couldn’t decide how I wanted it to look or where I wanted to put it, and in the meantime something happened in my life – I changed something in my life – and it gave me an idea for one I wanted to do even more.

And this is my new tattoo:

Okay, I promise it’s not nearly as cheesy as it seems on first glance.

Most of you won’t know this, but I’ve been suffering from clinical depression for some time now – years, in fact. I was never suicidal, but I never could quite seem to grasp how good I had it. Intellectually, I could say “oh, I’ve got a job, I’ve got friends, I’ve got hobbies I enjoy, life should be good.” But I didn’t feel it. Additionally, I tended towards inertia and apathy that is otherwise uncharacteristic for me – I’d have to convince myself to go out with my friends even though I would always have fun and enjoy myself once I was out. I have been in something of a holding pattern professionally since graduating from university and despite not being particularly content with it, I could never seem to drum up the energy to do something to change it – or even the courage to risk failure in the attempt.

Depression isn’t something you can just shake off. It’s chemicals in your brain not performing how they’re supposed to perform. My faith was instrumental in keeping me from crossing the line into suicidal, but anyone who thinks Christians/Catholics shouldn’t be or can’t be depressed is wrong, I assure you. Still, there’s a stigma associated with depression that kept me from seeking help.

Then my favorite band, Switchfoot, became involved with an organization called To Write Love on Her Arms.  TWLOHA’s mission is to raise awareness of depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide and to provide a resource for those in need of help. Whilst they don’t offer professional help themselves, they have a comprehensive list of links and numbers to call and, more importantly, work to fight the stigma and encourage those in need to seek help without shame. It was a combination of my own desire to not be depressed anymore and the encouragement provided by TWLOHA that finally had me talking to my doctor about getting on anti-depressants.

We found the right one for me a couple weeks ago, and it’s been like a miracle. Am I happy with everything about my life? No, of course not. But I have a generalised sense of well-being that I lacked before which gives me a base to stand on whilst going about the business of changing that which dissatisfies me about my life.

This was the first birthday in recent memory that I spent entirely happy, feeling entirely good about myself and my day.

So, since To Write Love on Her Arms played an instrumental role in my getting on the road to recovery, that’s exactly what I did.

I wrote love on my arm, in one of my favorite fonts (Garamond Bold). So I’ll never forget to love myself ever again.

If you or someone you know are suffering from depression, addiction, or self-injury, please please do not be afraid to seek help. Do not feel ashamed to do so. There’s light out there for all of us, and we shouldn’t ever feel ashamed if we need help to see it. Check out To Write Love on Her Arms for more information or to share your story.